This is a series of Youtube comments that I’ve made while watching Christopher Odd’s latest XCOM 2 season. The full playlist is available here, but I’ve added links to the relevant episodes. These are just random things that pop into my head when something particularly absurd happens.
Operation Fallen Tears
XCOM are assaulting an alien facility. A group of aliens on a roof do nothing when a turret is sniped from afar.
Lancer: “Hey, did you hear something?”
Wraith Commando: “Like what?”
Lancer: “I dunno. Like a couple of turrets exploding behind me.”
Wraith Commando: “AGAIN? Maintenance must be slacking off.”
[One minute later]
Lancer [after looking in his ration pack]: “Burgers again? I am so sick of eating that crap. When are the new ones due?”
Acid Grenade: “Surprise, futhermocker!”
Operation Blood Fall
The Chosen Hunter is trolling XCOM again. Just as he speaks, a Berserker and a sniper walk out of XCOM’s line of sight.
Chosen Hunter: “Go on already, kill all the humans.”
Elite Hunter [radio]: “Negative, combat conditions are not optimal at this moment.”
Elite Hunter [to Berserker]: “What is it? Smell something?”
Berserker: [sniffs and growls, prodding at a discarded Advent Burger]
Elite Hunter [sighs, shaking his/her head]: “Bessy, those are not for eating! What have I…”
Berserker: [sniffs and wanders off]
Elite Hunter [facepalming]: “No, you big daft puncher, get back here? [To himself/herself] Why do I bother?”
Advent’s Pre-mission Briefing, Operation Blood Wolf
XCOM are hunting a transmitter stationed inside a zombie Lost-infested city. This is my attempt at explaining the alien’s questionable decisions about putting a vital transmitter on the ground in a zombie quarantine zone.
Elite General: Your orders are to guard a transmitter in this sector. This is critical to our peacekeeping efforts in the sector – guard it with your lives!
Elite Lancer [tentatively raising hand]: Permission to speak, sir?
General [glowering]: Speak, then.
Lancer: This is right in the middle of Lost territory, sir. Why…why here?
General [sighs]: An obvious question, I suppose. In short, because the…[he/she adopts a distasteful tone] dissidents…are less likely to find the damned thing. [To the Elite Officer] And I know what you’re thinking – what about these alleged XCOM terrorists?
Officer: No, sir. I was thinking, “Why on ground level? Why not on a roof, where we can block off access?”
General [sighs]: The damn thing is too heavy to sit on one of these…derelicts. Furthermore, leaving it inside a building allows us to repurpose the existing power lines. Any further questions?
Officer: No, sir.
General: Well, you have your orders. You’ll be assigned a Sectopod Hunter and a Codex for fire support. Use them wisely, Captain. Dismissed!
Operation Storm Chalice
Elite Spectre [sniffing the air after rifting in]: Ugh…what is that smell? [Looks over its shoulder, eyes locking onto the Bio General and gas clouds from the General’s orbital strike] Oh…gas attack. Lovely. [Muttering to self] It’ll take me hours to get the smell out!
Operation Shackled Future
13 Sectoids and Sectoid Abductors vs XCOM. XCOM had an Elite Bio Rocket Trooper helping.
Sectoid Abductor 1: Hey, what do you say we take the UFO out for a spin?
Sectoid Abductor 2 [dubiously]: Another joyride?
Abductor 1: Ah, come on! What could possibly go wrong? [Pause] Oh, I see, you need an excuse! Well, how about…erm…a maintenance flight! We need to…verify the in-air integrity of the repulsor modulators.
Abductor 2 [sighs]: This is such a bad idea, but all right…
[Three hours later, after crashing]
Abductor 1: Well, at least we know the modulators work.
Abductor 2 [facepalming]: You fu-
Sectoid 11 [pointing and shrieking]: Company! [They all spin around to see two Elite Bio Rocket Troopers climbing out of their Cybertruk and cautiously approaching. Unbeknownst to the Sectoids, both are Skirmishers working undercover as traffic police]
Abductor 1: Oh, fish slaps! OPEN FIRE!
[One of the troopers dies instantly. The other runs off to the south and runs into XCOM, where he promptly identifies himself as a Skirmisher to Quasar]
Operation Vengeful Engine
[The Elite Bio General and his bodyguards are walking through the sewers in stoic silence for several minutes. Eventually, they stop next to a wall for the General to inspect it. A minute later, the first trooper starts whistling something]
Elite Bio General [irritably, to Trooper 1]: Stop that, trooper!
Trooper 1: Sorry, sir, that tune is stuck in my head!
General: That is no excuse for poor discipline! What if those XCOM terrorists find us? [Pauses and lowers his voice, not realising that Arica has already heard him] What is that damn tune called, anyway?
Trooper 1 [sheepishly]: Um…I think it’s called “the Major-General’s song”. I don’t know the lyrics, sir, or even why it occurred to me just now – just the tune and name.
General: Hmph. Report to the medical bay when we return.
Trooper 2: Hey, did you hear something? Some kind of click and beep? [He looks at the General] Um…sir, what’s that on your cloak?
[The general looks over his shoulder, just as Tupdaed points at them from out of their sight range]
Operation Dark Tongue
Investigating the coordinates retrieved from the Codex brain. An Elite Cryo Priest, Elite Purifier and Elite Titan walk into an ambush: the Priest is gunned down instantly by Noodles and Chuckles, while the Purifier keeps walking. When activated, he staggers a single tile away towards a tree
Elite Purifier [on the phone to his Viper housemate]: …and say hello to Cornflake for me. [Hissing noises come from the phone. Seconds later, another one is clearly audible] Yeah, I’m good. Just a regular night-
[Noodles and Chuckles open fire]
Same mission. An Elite Cryo Priest runs into a cloud of smoke from a smoke grenade and takes cover. Rather than taking a shot on “Noddles” (who is flanked and therefore an easy target) or throwing a Frost Grenade to freeze a bunch of people, he just runs off and is promptly flanked by Noodles
Elite Cryo Priest: This smoke smells like the oven in the barracks canteen…wait, did I leave that on? I’ll be right back!
Operation Cosmic Apollo
Protecting a device from Advent and MOCX. An Armoured Berserker spots XCOM.
Berserker: [smash and roar]
Spectre [completely unfazed]: What is it now, Gemma?
Codex: Shouldn’t we follow her?
Spectre [shaking his/her/its head]: Nah, it’s probably just some idiot throwing away a burger. You know she hates littering. [both of them whip around as Gemma voices her displeasure at being shot with a plasma bolt]
Codex: Or being shot. [both move to cover]
Operation Hidden Sentinel
The first two lines happened as scripted when the Hunter became active, recognising that Rogue was wielding the Assassin’s shotgun. The third is entirely my own.
The Hunter: So, you killed off one of the others? Which one was it? No…don’t tell me.
Bradford: It’s one of the Elder’s Chosen!
The Hunter: Oh really? And here I thought it was the Elders you’d killed.
Operation Dragon Giant
Sabotaging an Advent facility that hosts a ruler.
Elite Purifier: Sir, permission to set up the barbecue?
Elite Bio Captain: No.
Elite Purifier: Not even for our guest, sir?
Captain: His Majesty is here on business. [lowers his/her voice] He’s still in mourning.
Purifier [sheepishly]: Oh, right, his daughter. I forgot about that. [Viper King glares at them from about fifty metres away]
Captain [suddenly nervous]: All right, back to work! Let’s just…go out on patrol.
Operation Shadow Blade
XCOM are raiding a facility belonging to MOCX (an alien clone of XCOM) to steal the results of a training exercise. Two of XCOM’s units are loud and stompy, but MOCX don’t appear to notice this.
Fields: Did anyone else hear stomping?
Castelanno: No…
Din Cazaaks: [shakes head in Adventese]
Fields : Must have been the wind.
[one minute later]
MOCX Commander [via radio]: All units, stand down. The exercise is over. Return to barracks.
Saari : Finally!
Fields [as he starts to walk]: I bags the hot chocolate!
Operation Stone Fall
XCOM are sabotaging a relay inside an abandoned metro. Deadput breaks concealment by opening fire on an Andromedon.
Deadput: They know I’m here now.
Faceless: Do I hear somebody stating the obvious?!? [stomps through the train and runs smack into the door]
Train Door Panel [crackling]: Please use doors responsibly and mind the gap. Vandalism will not be tolerated.
Faceless [mentally facepalming]: Why did I choose the “Walking a Chrysallid” course instead off “Subway Train Doors”?
Operation Lone Law
XCOM are trying to rescue a VIP from a vehicle in a BIO-infested city. A Bio Trooper drops down next to a Lost Bio Bleeder, and stops next to a civilian.
Civilian [nervously]: Good day, Officer…
Elite Bio Trooper [cheerily]: Good day, Simo! [waves at the Bleeder] Don’t worry about Onni, he’s perfectly tame.
Civilian: If…if you say so, Officer. I just…
Bio Trooper: Feel nervous around him? Give him some time, you’ll get used to him. Come, Onni, we need to move.
Civilian: Of course! I…good day, again! [mutters to himself as the patrol leaves] I bet he’s a Faceless.
Mikor[chuckles appreciatively at the Ghost grenade]: Wuenderbar!
Elite Purifier [hurriedly leafing through his digital copy of Advent Peacekeeping for Dummies]: Crapcrapcrap, where is it? Where’s the section on XCOM turning invisible? [ _pauses as he finds it_ ] In the unlikely event of XCOM dissidents turning invisible in front of your eyes…point at them and…yell “hacks”? What the fu-
Operation Silent Anger
Raiding the ADVENT Forge, and the Hunter shows up. Odd has brought out Esti “My Love” Solomon, a Squaddie Marine who has been sitting on the backbench for most of the campaign. The Hunter is verbally dismissive towards a shot she makes on a Stun lancer. This is an alternative universe version of that scene.
Esti lies on the roof of a building in an ADVENT-controlled city, Darklance held snugly against her shoulder. She peers over the sights, finger resting on the trigger guard as she tracks a Stun Lancer who hovers menacingly over an unfortunate citizen. Taking a deep breath, she gently squeezes the trigger. A heartbeat later, the Elite General behind the Stunnie falls over. She smiles in relief that her first shot hit. Her first shot in the field with Darklance!
“Don’t get so excited. Those guys are a dime a dozen.” She looks over to her right, eyes widening. The Hunter looks back at her, his cocky grin belying the dismissive tone as he waves towards the fire escape. “Now…let’s get on with it, shall we?”
Operation Storm Hammer
XCOM are trying to protect a relay in some sewers. A Biozerker that is hidden behind some crates – despite visually sticking out on either side – attacks and stuns a Purifier while XCOM are concealed, while leaving a Heavy Bio Assualt Trooper untouched. The idea of a Biozerker (or any Berserker) taking ballet lessons just popped into my head, and I found the idea too funny to pass up.
Purifier [to the Biozerker, mockingly]: Are you doing your “hiding behind a stick” thing again? [Biozerker glares at him/her] That’s about as pointless as those ballet lessons you took!
Biozerker: [SMASH]
Assault Trooper [to himself/herself]: Why did I have to get stuck with a ballet-obsessed Zerker and a mouthy flamer?
Operation Broken Mirror
Attacking MOCX HQ. Spud uses Frostbite on a Forged Sectopod. None of the other Advent troops respond immediately.
Lancer 1: Guys…why is the Sectopod frozen?
Lancer 2 [sourly]: Probably Riauf pranking us again. [pause] Why does MOCX even have one? I could understand a Hunter up here, but a full-sized one?
Lancer 3: One of them hit the lever over there. [points at a giant red lever on the wall marked “Release the Mechanical Kraken”]
Lancer 2: Why do they even have that lever?
Operation Silent Key
Hunting the Hive Queen, in a facility that’s overrun with Chrysallids. An Elite Hunter, Elite Shieldbearer and Elite Duellist are airdropped into the facility, when it would probably make more sense to shoot them from in the air.
Elite Hunter: Boss, why are we dropping onto the ground?
Elite Duellist [shrugs]: Orders are orders.
Elite Hunter: But…the place is overrun with bugs! Why not just sit up here and shoot them where they can’t get at us?
Elite Duellist: Tosc…you’re a great guy, but you have this really annoying habit of questioning orders! We are to drop in and rescue Dr Bell. We can not do that without landing.
Dropship Pilot [via intercom]: 30 seconds out. Stand by to drop! [pauses, then continues in frustration, unaware of the intercom still being on] Yep, that’s definitely XCOM’s transport! Why don’t we have any cannons?
Dropship Co-pilot [dryly]: Professional courtesy. She don’t shoot at us, we don’t shoot at her. [musingly] Though it would help with the bug hunt…
Elite Duellist: You heard them – prepare to drop!
Operation Magic Valley
Rescuing a resistance scientist from an abandoned metro station. An Elite Priest is helping.
“Menace 1-5, be advised,” Central begins as they prepare to rappel down, “we have a Skirmisher agent waiting for you. Intel suggests a priest, chosen callsign Father Grigori.”
“Looks like he’s been busy,” Quasar snarks, prodding one of the five dead troopers that they’ve landed on.
“Contact, twelve o’clock!” Esti calls. The squad spread out to cover the Priest approaching along the roof of the train, his rifle slung.
“Who are you?” Chuckles growls as the priest stops ten feet from their position. Something about this trooper seems…off.
“Greeting, brother! I am Father Grigori,” the priest announces in a vaguely Eastern-European accent. He gestures to the bodies. “You have already met my…congregation!”
“That’s him,” Central confirms sourly.
Operation Northern Shield
Supply Raid in a Lost-infested city. A Lost Howler summons a swarm on the other side of the map after two turns. A certain scene from Half Life 2 had been going through my head for a while.
[The Lost Howler lurches along a street. It barely notices the TV sitting in the rubble, until the TV turns on and begins to play a creepy tune.]
Howler: [confused] Hrrrrrr?
[The TV shows a Thin Man standing in a boat, with a raven perched on his shoulder. On the opposite side of the street, another Thin Man lurks in the shadows]
Thin Man: [smirks] Prepare for unforeseen consequences.
[TV explodes]
Later in the same episode, the Chosen Hunter tracks down the Avenger. This is the third or fourth time that XCOM has had to defend the Avenger against the Chosen.
After the twentieth attempt to take the Avenger, the Hunter is starting to get bored of hunting XCOM. Even broadcasting Yakety Sax doesn’t make it amusing any more. He’s running out of ideas for ways to make it interesting, when he intercepts an incredulous comment from Bradford:
“A paintball match?”
A slightly nutty grin spreads across the Hunter’s face. Yes, that would do for a change. He flicks the button that he’s helpfully labelled “Speed-dial the Commander”.
“Commander, perhaps we should try this differently. How about paintballs only?”
Operation Glass Misery
Hunting the HIVE Queen again, along with an Alien Relay. Odd decides to take down the Queen instead of the Relay. Advent’s reactions:
Inside the Death Star Advent HQ Canteen
Elite Trooper [speaking around a mouthful of burger]: Hey, did you hear? XCOM took down that Chryssie Queen!
Elite Wraith Commando: For real?
Trooper [nods while swallowing]: For real.
Wraith Commando: Good riddance.
Elite Lancer: Hear, hear! [mockingly raises his tumbler of Smuga Juice] I also hear the idiots passed up a chance at vandalising one of our relays. The one with the new cipher that the Commos were blabbing about.
Wraith Commando [woodenly]: We didn’t hear anything about the new cipher. And neither did you. [pauses, lowers their voice and continues thoughtfully] Though frankly, I’d have made the same decision.
Lancer: What.
Lancer [eyes goggling more than usual behind his helmet]: Really.
Wraith Commando: Of course! That-
[klaxons start blaring]
Public Address System: All hands on deck! Repeat, all hands on deck!
Lancer: Yay, another drill!
Operation Gasping Apollo
Infiltrating the Advent Network Tower with a Reaper, a Skirmisher and a Templar
Armoured Psi Viper [bored]: Sssso, a Reaper, a Ssskirishher and a Templar walk into a bar…
Elite Shieldbearer [sighs]: This one again? Come up with something new, would you?
Acheron runs in and punches him.
Viper [to Acheron]: You sssstole my joke!
Later in the same mission, Freya blows up something and sends a Mec and Shieldbearer flying.
Deep inside the Mec’s core logic, the PlayWilhelmScream() function is called and immediately throws a NotImplementedException with the message “Please refer to entry 7892276473 in the list of Proscribed Peacekeeper Activities: No Referencing Old World Jokes”.
Most ADVENT troopers refer to this list as “Things ADVENT Peacekeepers Are No Longer Allowed To Do”.
Operation Leviathan (pt1)
The final mission. The Commander’s Avatar mind controls an Elite Hunter, whom the premiere chat window had dubbed “Henry”
Avatar: Come over to the dark side, Henry! We have cookies.
Archon: Come on, Henry! Snap out of it! [swipes at Henry, but misjudges his strength]
Aceade's Tales 